life's not easy

lately i keep on thinking about my environment & even my age. hoho,,surprisingly, i'm 20 this year right?still, i can't even accept that easily. i kept thinking that i'm just a girl who did nothing but mistakes. i kept thinking that all that i want to be real is fake. i kept thinking that my dream is not ready-to-make.

i grow up as a kid. will i'm able to be a great mother's kid? thinking bout that may make me sick. am i that bad is not the question. the theme of this annoying statement is why am i that bad. is it because i've never put everything right on the place? sue me. i'm really hopeless in this. i'm not someone who can make other's world glitter.

i keep making wrong steps. and my body get scars as reward. when i'm 4, i'm jealous to watch my big bro riding his bike so i ask him to brought me on. i carelessly let go my hands off the bike on the same time when he wheely his bike. and i got 13 stitches on my head.

 when i'm in form 1, i  fall from double bed and my chin breaks. blood is everywhere that i feel like faint. i don't let the nurse stitch my chin this time. i'm afraid that she might kill me as she is very scary.there are so many times that i fall in an accident without i aware of it. it always appear like suddenly blood came from my pants. it just some wound that i don't take note.

it even get worse when i grow up. i keep telling myself that i am a kid. that i don't want to be an adult. that i don't want to live in the scary world. but i guess it's impossible. i keep going and going. my emotional got a bit twisted. sometimes i don't even know if i should laugh or cry. life is complicated or it just me who  complicates things?

i keep falling. again and again. miraculously, no one ever realise that. except one. he who i love the most. he who i adore the most. he who i want to be with the most. but now, he's gone. he left as God tell him to do so.

i keep thinking that life would be easier if i'm with him.

but again, it's impossible.

"LIFE IS NOT EASY. IF IT IS, NEVER CALL IT LIFE."

"LIFEは簡単ではありません。れている場合は、ITライフを呼び出してはいけない。"

“生活是不容易，如果是的話，永遠不會調用它生命。”

"જીવન સરળ છે. નથી છે જો તે છે કોલ, જીવનનહીં."

"जीवन आसान नहीं है अगर यह है कहते हैं, यह जीवन कभी."

"ชีวิตคือความไม่สะดวก. หากเป็นเช่นนั้นไม่เคยเรียกมันว่าชีวิต."

p/s: God. please. let him be with your Messenger there. and if it's my turn to follow him, please let him be with me. again.